The other day while in the shower, I got shampoo in my eyes. Okay! I'm 27, this stuff happens...but I cried like a 5 year old and it took a lot to calm me down. Why did I respond this way? Ever since I found out I had cancer I have become more aware of my body...I'm so aware that sometimes when asked, "what do you feel?" I have no idea how to answer! I started to notice a new trend...anxiety attacks.
I never use to be this overly sensitive but now it seems everything gets to me and I don't know how to deal with it. I apologize to my husband all the time for freaking out. I really wish I didn't. I even cried to him one day that I wanted my mom...what 27 year old does that?!
As you may know, my parents are home now. They were with me for 50 days! God bless them. While I could tell you almost what happened on each of those 50 days and it would take a while, it went by with a blink of an eye. I was in the hospital collectively about 18 of those days. I honestly had no idea how I was going to let them go. In fact, when they left we hugged quickly and then I buried my face in my husband's shirt and cried as they drove away...I can never actually watch them leave.
I realized something about myself this week. When my parents, siblings, relatives and friends are around I become...well, needy! I feel sorry for myself, I ask them to help me more, I pout about not being able to join in on the fun of EATING what they are eating. Okay, maybe I was a little more dependent on them because it was my first 2 weeks home from major surgery. But once they left, I started to become a little more like me again. I cooked dinner the other night for my husband (don't get too excited it was a frozen pasta dish), I get dressed completely by myself now, and I learned how to feed myself (by tube) so my husband could start to go back to work. I'm still very much dependent on him but I'm pushing the bar up a notch each day and that's something to be proud about. It made me happy to hear my home nurse say to me that he was surprised to see my tracheostomy hole was closed. I told him it has been for about 3 days now. He said he thought I was a fast healer! Lets hope the inside is healing as fast as the outside.
This Thursday I take a swallow test. It's to see where the liquids go in my mouth. Hopefully, they are going down the right way. Keep in mind, aside from crushed ice (also known as ice chips) I haven't swallowed anything since dinner (soup) on April 6th. I hope everything is healing inside and there are no leaks anywhere...the real reason I want this so badly is because if the swallow test goes well, the feeding tube gets to come out!! Keep your fingers crossed!!
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