If conversations about bowel movements gross you out, you may want to stop reading this entry. I wont go into details, I've never been that kind of person who poops and tells. HA!
Well, I never mentioned that one of the reasons I haven't been writing so often is because I've been in a lot of pain. First it was the pain from the sinuses in my face. But recently, I have been having really bad pains when I inhale deeply. It is under my breasts around the rib cage area and wraps around to the back. Sometimes it goes down the side from chest to hip (again rib cage area). I have no idea what is causing the pain but the only thing helping was Tylenol codeine.
Tylenol codeine can be your best friend and worst enemy. It makes you drowsy, dizzy, constipated, and can cause you problems breathing. I haven't taken my inhalers really since I've been home (April 19). For one, I don't hear any wheezing, my lungs feel fine, and my family and friends are convinced that my medication for asthma's played a role in my getting cancer. Don't ask, I'm not sure how to explain...and there is really no proof to say it did or it didn't. Also, since I have been in California, I started taking Advair and recently heard some commercials that are not sitting well with me so I stopped taking it cold turkey.
Okay! My point! I thought maybe the Tylenol codeine was in fact making my breathing suffer or something. My husband explained to me that as an opiate, what it does is really relaxes you so your breathing is less per minute. So it's not that it does something to your breathing it just slows it down. So really that can't be the reason for the pain.
My husband decided after I was up for an hour crying my eyes out because the pain was so bad and I couldn't sleep any which way, to do some research. He read that the pain can be caused by heartburn, it can be caused by gas, and it can be caused by a blockage in your intestines...ie. constipation.
Well. I noticed that the food I have does cause a lot of gas and burping. Maybe because of all the vitamins and nutrients in my liquid food?! Anyway. When I started taking the Tylenol codeine for all the pain, I noticed the gas had stopped. So it could be that.
Also, I realized I was having bad heartburn lately and realized also I hadn't been drinking as much water in between meals as usual so it could be that too.
And lastly. I hadn't gone to the bathroom for 1-2 weeks ( I can't remember) since I started taking the Tylenol codeine as well.
My Occupational Therapist came to see me on Friday and I told her what was going on. She was very concerned and said I had to go to the hospital (urgent care) right away. She said that my intestines could pop, and to be bluntly honest, you can die. This was the icing on my cake! I asked her what she thought they would do? She said probably an enema. I was so angry. I am usually very private about what you do behind the closed bathroom door. It is gross and not something you share...in my opinion. However, now I had to have someone else see and do something to my bum...not a happy girl!
My alternative...not good either! I didn't want my intestines to rupture.
So I waited it out and then found out that the urgent care wasn't open until later in the evening anyway. I stopped taking the Tylenol codeine and just took regular Tylenol and everything seemed to go okay. That night when I went to bed, my husband said to me, if you don't go to the bathroom in the morning, we have to go to the hospital. I was really upset because the next day was Relay for Life and started at 9 am. I would miss everything if I went to the hospital.
Sure enough, that morning when I woke up...needless to say, I didn't go to the hospital! Yeay! What a relief. The pain also seemed to go away for a while, and my sides didn't hurt so bad. Last night they were hurting me though so I'm still not 100% sure what the issue really is.
Moral of the story, it really isn't good to hold it in! I didn't really realize my intestines could just pop if they don't get to do what they are suppose to do. But it obviously makes sense way. If you have problems, or symptoms like I had, you may want to get checked out and make sure you are okay.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Swallow Test #2
I had another swallow test done. While I am progressing, there still is a part that is not fully healed. (Maybe if I get a copy of the DVD I can show you what I am talking about.) Less liquid is pooling in this area--hence the progression--but there is still some liquid there.
What does this mean?
Another 2 weeks of waiting and healing until my third swallow test. Yeah, I'm disappointed. I always am because I set high expectations of myself. But truth be told, I was a little relieved. My tongue is still very much swollen in the middle and I can't possibly imagine trying to eat on my own right now. By eat I mean soup, water, apple juice, Ensure. It takes quite a few swallows to get the water down and I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that my tongue is still swollen and therefore not moving as naturally as it should. Remember when you go to the dentist and they numb you? When you try to drink the water dribbles out of the side of your mouth...it's something like that only my lips aren't numb my tongue is!
Hopefully though, at the next swallow test, I will be healed and be approved to start drinking and eating food with my tube still in. I know you must think, isn't that harder? Point is, I have to be able to get enough calories down on my own since the tube wont be there to do it for me if I cant. Strange, I've grown attached to this thing. It feeds me food every 4 hours. It hydrates me with water every 6 hours. And medicine of any kind is prescribed to me in liquid form which not only goes down faster in the tube but also works faster. Some of you know, I can't swallow pills anyway!
Also on this visit, I saw my plastic surgeon for a follow up. It's been 6 weeks since surgery #2 and I had my feeding tube in (nasal gastric tube) and they are suppose to get removed every month.
What does this mean? What do you think?
I had the pleasure of being awake while they removed the old one to put a new one it! Fun stuff! So they took a smaller tube and shoved it into my left nostril and down into my stomach. They made sure it was in there and then proceeded to remove the old tube. Not only did it seem like forever, the tube just kept coming and coming, but I could taste it. And when I saw the tube out of my nose, the bottom was GREEN. Like algae. It was completely awful. I had no medicine, nothing to drug me up so I wouldn't remember, see it, taste it etc. I was fully awake. Remember the bottom of the tube has been sitting in my stomach bile for 6 weeks! And when the tube comes out the only way out is back through the nostril it went into. But don't forget, it has to pass the back of your throat and your tongue on the way up and out. Alright I'm done grossing you all out.
Lastly, the old tube, since it was put in at surgery, was stitched into my nose...like from one side of the nostril to the other so it would not get pulled out or slide out accidentally. When they went to clip the stitches out (with tubes in both nostrils) I just couldn't help it any longer. I was in complete tears; it hurt like hell. Of all the things I've been through, removing stitches still makes me cringe the most.
I went down to x-rays to make sure the tube was in fact where it was suppose to be and then got the approval to go home. Another long day at the hospital and we did miss 30 minutes of American Idol that day. Thank God for DVR it was recorded :)
There is a light at the end of the tunnel!
This tube is SOOO much thinner. It is really flexible not stiff. It doesn't hurt me or my nose at all when it is clipped to the back of my hair. (I'll have to show you a picture. That's where I keep it so it doesn't get caught on anything. Everyone said it's the first time they've seen someone do that. What can I say? I'm an original.) Food goes down the same, a little slower since the tube is narrower but it doesn't change anything. My face doesn't hurt like it did before which means the tube WAS causing all the pain. They did put me on antibiotics to treat my sinus infection that was caused by the tube. And this tube is just taped to my nose so no more stitches. It's an improvement...let's go with that!
What does this mean?
Another 2 weeks of waiting and healing until my third swallow test. Yeah, I'm disappointed. I always am because I set high expectations of myself. But truth be told, I was a little relieved. My tongue is still very much swollen in the middle and I can't possibly imagine trying to eat on my own right now. By eat I mean soup, water, apple juice, Ensure. It takes quite a few swallows to get the water down and I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that my tongue is still swollen and therefore not moving as naturally as it should. Remember when you go to the dentist and they numb you? When you try to drink the water dribbles out of the side of your mouth...it's something like that only my lips aren't numb my tongue is!
Hopefully though, at the next swallow test, I will be healed and be approved to start drinking and eating food with my tube still in. I know you must think, isn't that harder? Point is, I have to be able to get enough calories down on my own since the tube wont be there to do it for me if I cant. Strange, I've grown attached to this thing. It feeds me food every 4 hours. It hydrates me with water every 6 hours. And medicine of any kind is prescribed to me in liquid form which not only goes down faster in the tube but also works faster. Some of you know, I can't swallow pills anyway!
Also on this visit, I saw my plastic surgeon for a follow up. It's been 6 weeks since surgery #2 and I had my feeding tube in (nasal gastric tube) and they are suppose to get removed every month.
What does this mean? What do you think?
I had the pleasure of being awake while they removed the old one to put a new one it! Fun stuff! So they took a smaller tube and shoved it into my left nostril and down into my stomach. They made sure it was in there and then proceeded to remove the old tube. Not only did it seem like forever, the tube just kept coming and coming, but I could taste it. And when I saw the tube out of my nose, the bottom was GREEN. Like algae. It was completely awful. I had no medicine, nothing to drug me up so I wouldn't remember, see it, taste it etc. I was fully awake. Remember the bottom of the tube has been sitting in my stomach bile for 6 weeks! And when the tube comes out the only way out is back through the nostril it went into. But don't forget, it has to pass the back of your throat and your tongue on the way up and out. Alright I'm done grossing you all out.
Lastly, the old tube, since it was put in at surgery, was stitched into my nose...like from one side of the nostril to the other so it would not get pulled out or slide out accidentally. When they went to clip the stitches out (with tubes in both nostrils) I just couldn't help it any longer. I was in complete tears; it hurt like hell. Of all the things I've been through, removing stitches still makes me cringe the most.
I went down to x-rays to make sure the tube was in fact where it was suppose to be and then got the approval to go home. Another long day at the hospital and we did miss 30 minutes of American Idol that day. Thank God for DVR it was recorded :)
There is a light at the end of the tunnel!
This tube is SOOO much thinner. It is really flexible not stiff. It doesn't hurt me or my nose at all when it is clipped to the back of my hair. (I'll have to show you a picture. That's where I keep it so it doesn't get caught on anything. Everyone said it's the first time they've seen someone do that. What can I say? I'm an original.) Food goes down the same, a little slower since the tube is narrower but it doesn't change anything. My face doesn't hurt like it did before which means the tube WAS causing all the pain. They did put me on antibiotics to treat my sinus infection that was caused by the tube. And this tube is just taped to my nose so no more stitches. It's an improvement...let's go with that!
Friday, May 6, 2011
I had a Dream...
That I ate a crispy fried battered shrimp and a slice of watermelon. Everyone was mad at me, but it went right down! I wish...
Swallow Test
We were at the Kaiser hospital in West LA from 1:45 until 6:30 yesterday! Almost missed American Idol! lol
We did the swallow test first. The technician was Ben and he was really nice. Explained everything. On a poster in the hallway was his picture and under it, it said Speech Therapist so I figured if he says something in regards to my speech etc. he's probably right. My husband took a picture, of me just before the test.
He put a sheet on me in case he spilt food on me when he fed me and a washcloth in case I wanted to wipe my face. That big yellow circle is a camera that recorded me like an x-ray machine.
So they had me drink apple juice, water, and apple sauce like we thought. He didn't do the banana or graham cracker I saw on the counter thank God. I know I wouldn't be able to do that right now.
Everything went down fine, it took a few swallows but it went down. They were suppose to be making a DVD of it but it didn't work. My husband got to see everything and said it looked good. There was one spot that leaked a bit but it was in the neck. The tongue area is all healed. So the plastic surgeon wants me to wait another 2 weeks to see if this part of the flap/throat heals before she starts me on food.
I decided that the tube is here to save my life, make sure I get the nutrition etc. so I'm not going to complain anymore about it. Ben said before he can tell the plastic surgeon he thinks the tube can be removed, he has to be convinced that I can swallow enough nutrition on my own. So, I guess until the swelling in the tongue goes down, and neck/throat, the tube isn't so bad. I've gone this long, what's 2 more weeks? The plastic surgeon said we'd celebrate when it came out!
So, because the DVD didn't record I had to do the test twice. The plastic surgeon watched the second time but also got a DVD of it. Pretty crazy to see the food being swallowed. You see my heart, brain, spine, etc. like an x-ray.
Speaking of x-rays, since I have been coughing, the plastic surgeon thought I should have an x-ray done of my lungs to make sure nothing is suspicious: infection, pneumonia, etc. She and I don't think I have that but just to be certain.
I told her my concerns lately about the cough, and having a fever all yesterday, she said anything over 101.5 we need to call her. I didn't hit that high. She looked in my mouth, neck, etc. and said she saw no signs of infection. The fever could be caused by the flap or the throat. My right ear has been throbbing a bit but it could be from my teeth. They are itchy and want to be brushed and I don't have that approval yet. I've been grinding them lately because of it which is why my ear could be bugging me. She cleaned in my mouth, it bled a bit but she took a lot of the white stuff out which was nice of her. It was bugging me. She said everything looks the way it's suppose to. I told her about coughing up phlegm and she said it's fine, it's okay to see some blood too as long as it stops. So all my concerns were addressed.
Instead of seeing her on the 12th, I'm going to see her on the 19th and do a second swallow test then. I'm allowed ice chips still but not water. Hopefully the tube comes out then. It's looking gross.
The tech Ben said that for someone who has little mobility of her tongue (still swollen) my speech was great. He was very positive. I think he was even willing to say to take the tube out today!
Another bonus, my arm is allowed to get wet now. It doesn't have to be in a bandage anymore. Makes me a little apprehensive but I can wrap it for sleep or when I go out. She laughed at me because she said whenever the bandage comes off, I just stare at it, like I'm mesmerized. She said to my husband he might need to pull me out of the shower because I'll be staring at it. I can't help it, it's so foreign to me.
We did the swallow test first. The technician was Ben and he was really nice. Explained everything. On a poster in the hallway was his picture and under it, it said Speech Therapist so I figured if he says something in regards to my speech etc. he's probably right. My husband took a picture, of me just before the test.
So they had me drink apple juice, water, and apple sauce like we thought. He didn't do the banana or graham cracker I saw on the counter thank God. I know I wouldn't be able to do that right now.
Everything went down fine, it took a few swallows but it went down. They were suppose to be making a DVD of it but it didn't work. My husband got to see everything and said it looked good. There was one spot that leaked a bit but it was in the neck. The tongue area is all healed. So the plastic surgeon wants me to wait another 2 weeks to see if this part of the flap/throat heals before she starts me on food.
I decided that the tube is here to save my life, make sure I get the nutrition etc. so I'm not going to complain anymore about it. Ben said before he can tell the plastic surgeon he thinks the tube can be removed, he has to be convinced that I can swallow enough nutrition on my own. So, I guess until the swelling in the tongue goes down, and neck/throat, the tube isn't so bad. I've gone this long, what's 2 more weeks? The plastic surgeon said we'd celebrate when it came out!
So, because the DVD didn't record I had to do the test twice. The plastic surgeon watched the second time but also got a DVD of it. Pretty crazy to see the food being swallowed. You see my heart, brain, spine, etc. like an x-ray.
Speaking of x-rays, since I have been coughing, the plastic surgeon thought I should have an x-ray done of my lungs to make sure nothing is suspicious: infection, pneumonia, etc. She and I don't think I have that but just to be certain.
I told her my concerns lately about the cough, and having a fever all yesterday, she said anything over 101.5 we need to call her. I didn't hit that high. She looked in my mouth, neck, etc. and said she saw no signs of infection. The fever could be caused by the flap or the throat. My right ear has been throbbing a bit but it could be from my teeth. They are itchy and want to be brushed and I don't have that approval yet. I've been grinding them lately because of it which is why my ear could be bugging me. She cleaned in my mouth, it bled a bit but she took a lot of the white stuff out which was nice of her. It was bugging me. She said everything looks the way it's suppose to. I told her about coughing up phlegm and she said it's fine, it's okay to see some blood too as long as it stops. So all my concerns were addressed.
Instead of seeing her on the 12th, I'm going to see her on the 19th and do a second swallow test then. I'm allowed ice chips still but not water. Hopefully the tube comes out then. It's looking gross.
The tech Ben said that for someone who has little mobility of her tongue (still swollen) my speech was great. He was very positive. I think he was even willing to say to take the tube out today!
Another bonus, my arm is allowed to get wet now. It doesn't have to be in a bandage anymore. Makes me a little apprehensive but I can wrap it for sleep or when I go out. She laughed at me because she said whenever the bandage comes off, I just stare at it, like I'm mesmerized. She said to my husband he might need to pull me out of the shower because I'll be staring at it. I can't help it, it's so foreign to me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
18 Days Left...
Hey readers! I have a huge favor to ask! There are 18 days left until the Relay for Life event takes place on May 21st! I'm about $300.00 shy of $2000.00! What an accomplishment for me, my team, and everyone who contributed. Obviously, don't donate if you have already...but if you haven't I would be so appreciative if you would help me reach my goal. Every little bit helps! xo
To donate to me: Click Here
To donate to our team: Click Here
To visit the Relay for Life Website: Click Here
Thank You so Much!
To donate to me: Click Here
To donate to our team: Click Here
To visit the Relay for Life Website: Click Here
Thank You so Much!
I Want My Mom
The other day while in the shower, I got shampoo in my eyes. Okay! I'm 27, this stuff happens...but I cried like a 5 year old and it took a lot to calm me down. Why did I respond this way? Ever since I found out I had cancer I have become more aware of my body...I'm so aware that sometimes when asked, "what do you feel?" I have no idea how to answer! I started to notice a new trend...anxiety attacks.
I never use to be this overly sensitive but now it seems everything gets to me and I don't know how to deal with it. I apologize to my husband all the time for freaking out. I really wish I didn't. I even cried to him one day that I wanted my mom...what 27 year old does that?!
As you may know, my parents are home now. They were with me for 50 days! God bless them. While I could tell you almost what happened on each of those 50 days and it would take a while, it went by with a blink of an eye. I was in the hospital collectively about 18 of those days. I honestly had no idea how I was going to let them go. In fact, when they left we hugged quickly and then I buried my face in my husband's shirt and cried as they drove away...I can never actually watch them leave.
I realized something about myself this week. When my parents, siblings, relatives and friends are around I become...well, needy! I feel sorry for myself, I ask them to help me more, I pout about not being able to join in on the fun of EATING what they are eating. Okay, maybe I was a little more dependent on them because it was my first 2 weeks home from major surgery. But once they left, I started to become a little more like me again. I cooked dinner the other night for my husband (don't get too excited it was a frozen pasta dish), I get dressed completely by myself now, and I learned how to feed myself (by tube) so my husband could start to go back to work. I'm still very much dependent on him but I'm pushing the bar up a notch each day and that's something to be proud about. It made me happy to hear my home nurse say to me that he was surprised to see my tracheostomy hole was closed. I told him it has been for about 3 days now. He said he thought I was a fast healer! Lets hope the inside is healing as fast as the outside.
This Thursday I take a swallow test. It's to see where the liquids go in my mouth. Hopefully, they are going down the right way. Keep in mind, aside from crushed ice (also known as ice chips) I haven't swallowed anything since dinner (soup) on April 6th. I hope everything is healing inside and there are no leaks anywhere...the real reason I want this so badly is because if the swallow test goes well, the feeding tube gets to come out!! Keep your fingers crossed!!
I never use to be this overly sensitive but now it seems everything gets to me and I don't know how to deal with it. I apologize to my husband all the time for freaking out. I really wish I didn't. I even cried to him one day that I wanted my mom...what 27 year old does that?!
As you may know, my parents are home now. They were with me for 50 days! God bless them. While I could tell you almost what happened on each of those 50 days and it would take a while, it went by with a blink of an eye. I was in the hospital collectively about 18 of those days. I honestly had no idea how I was going to let them go. In fact, when they left we hugged quickly and then I buried my face in my husband's shirt and cried as they drove away...I can never actually watch them leave.
I realized something about myself this week. When my parents, siblings, relatives and friends are around I become...well, needy! I feel sorry for myself, I ask them to help me more, I pout about not being able to join in on the fun of EATING what they are eating. Okay, maybe I was a little more dependent on them because it was my first 2 weeks home from major surgery. But once they left, I started to become a little more like me again. I cooked dinner the other night for my husband (don't get too excited it was a frozen pasta dish), I get dressed completely by myself now, and I learned how to feed myself (by tube) so my husband could start to go back to work. I'm still very much dependent on him but I'm pushing the bar up a notch each day and that's something to be proud about. It made me happy to hear my home nurse say to me that he was surprised to see my tracheostomy hole was closed. I told him it has been for about 3 days now. He said he thought I was a fast healer! Lets hope the inside is healing as fast as the outside.
This Thursday I take a swallow test. It's to see where the liquids go in my mouth. Hopefully, they are going down the right way. Keep in mind, aside from crushed ice (also known as ice chips) I haven't swallowed anything since dinner (soup) on April 6th. I hope everything is healing inside and there are no leaks anywhere...the real reason I want this so badly is because if the swallow test goes well, the feeding tube gets to come out!! Keep your fingers crossed!!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Thelma & Louise
People always say...I always say, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I truly believe it. Like what happened this month.
I have this friend named Kim. We met in high school and hit it off immediately. She's like my sister Christina but with freckles! We had a moment at the end of high school and didn't speak for some time. Luckily for facebook [insert laugh here] we were reconnected. We discussed what drove us apart and became more open with one another than before!
We planned this exciting trip to San Francisco with some of my family. We were going to go to Vegas to pick up my aunt and uncle and then drive up to San Fran for a few days. We even discussed being like Thelma and Louise and driving to Arizona's Grand Canyon just the two of us. Usually, I have maps printed, hotels temporarily booked, an itinerary all planned but for some reason I didn't do that for this trip. In case you haven't figured it out, the trip was planned for April 20th-30th. I was released from the hospital on April 19th. Needless to say the trip was cancelled. I will always feel guilty but I know it's not my fault.
Kim kept her flight and came out anyways. Her first time to California and this is how we are going to spend it ?! It was an emotional reunion (even though we had seen each other in February when I snuck home) and again I felt awful not being really mobile, tired all the time, home bound for 'feedings'... it just was not how I saw it. But in the midst of seeing this one facet, the prism changed.
Here I was, with a friend I wasn't 100% sure was back to her old-high school-self just yet and met someone even better instead! Kim didn't hesitate to look at my wounds under the dressings. She learned how to feed me by tube so my husband could have a 'break' and go to work. She got on my case if I didn't do my mouth stretches and she comforted me when I cried for no reason. The person I knew over 10 years ago was back in one sense but this person I spent the last 10 days with was someone else.
She didn't make me feel bad for cancelled plans. She didn't complain when I slept in. She didn't offer herself to me and then sit on the sidelines. She went full speed ahead. She was my friend. She was a great friend. I was sad to see her go. But today, I'm feeling lucky. How can God bless someone with so many wonderful people in their life?
I love you Kim! Shout outs to you my friend!
Sandra Bullock's Star/ Hollywood
At the Grove
I have this friend named Kim. We met in high school and hit it off immediately. She's like my sister Christina but with freckles! We had a moment at the end of high school and didn't speak for some time. Luckily for facebook [insert laugh here] we were reconnected. We discussed what drove us apart and became more open with one another than before!
We planned this exciting trip to San Francisco with some of my family. We were going to go to Vegas to pick up my aunt and uncle and then drive up to San Fran for a few days. We even discussed being like Thelma and Louise and driving to Arizona's Grand Canyon just the two of us. Usually, I have maps printed, hotels temporarily booked, an itinerary all planned but for some reason I didn't do that for this trip. In case you haven't figured it out, the trip was planned for April 20th-30th. I was released from the hospital on April 19th. Needless to say the trip was cancelled. I will always feel guilty but I know it's not my fault.
Kim kept her flight and came out anyways. Her first time to California and this is how we are going to spend it ?! It was an emotional reunion (even though we had seen each other in February when I snuck home) and again I felt awful not being really mobile, tired all the time, home bound for 'feedings'... it just was not how I saw it. But in the midst of seeing this one facet, the prism changed.
Here I was, with a friend I wasn't 100% sure was back to her old-high school-self just yet and met someone even better instead! Kim didn't hesitate to look at my wounds under the dressings. She learned how to feed me by tube so my husband could have a 'break' and go to work. She got on my case if I didn't do my mouth stretches and she comforted me when I cried for no reason. The person I knew over 10 years ago was back in one sense but this person I spent the last 10 days with was someone else.
She didn't make me feel bad for cancelled plans. She didn't complain when I slept in. She didn't offer herself to me and then sit on the sidelines. She went full speed ahead. She was my friend. She was a great friend. I was sad to see her go. But today, I'm feeling lucky. How can God bless someone with so many wonderful people in their life?
I love you Kim! Shout outs to you my friend!
Sandra Bullock's Star/ HollywoodValencia Town Center Mall
At the GroveSanta Monica Beach
Monday, April 25, 2011
You Want the Whole Truth?
Lately, I must admit, I haven't been as strong as I would like to be. I had quite a few moments at the hospital where I cried my eyes out and pleaded, "please let me go home". On Good Friday, I didn't want to watch everyone eat amazing food so I went up to bed and sulked. A few of my great listener friends were text messaged with, "I'm having a pity party" and they said it was okay, that I was bound to have a bad day here and there.
I need to remember how far I have come, what I have endured, and where I'm at now. My progress is noticed daily. I get stronger each day and do one more thing new I didn't do the day before. I haven't been having pain, and I can sleep all night through! Yeah so I had and will have bad days but I'm so worthy of respect and admiration....even if just my own. I need to recognize just how much positive things I've been given. I'm home! I'm healing! I am able to chew ice chips! I don't spend 24 hours in bed because I don't need to. I have lots of good people with me. I have an amazing husband and family. What more could I possibly need or want?! One step at a time...that's all you gotta do!
I need to remember how far I have come, what I have endured, and where I'm at now. My progress is noticed daily. I get stronger each day and do one more thing new I didn't do the day before. I haven't been having pain, and I can sleep all night through! Yeah so I had and will have bad days but I'm so worthy of respect and admiration....even if just my own. I need to recognize just how much positive things I've been given. I'm home! I'm healing! I am able to chew ice chips! I don't spend 24 hours in bed because I don't need to. I have lots of good people with me. I have an amazing husband and family. What more could I possibly need or want?! One step at a time...that's all you gotta do!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Right Before Surgery #2
Ahhhhh! Clean hair! Will be a while before I see you again!
Fans Fans in the stands!
My perspective! lol
Okay! Let's get the show on the road!
1/3 of the tongue removed...ain't so bad.Don't forget to operate on the left side!
And don't touch this arm!Jail Break
Some pictures the day I got out of jail...which also happened to be my mother's father's 96 birthday (Nonno Luigi). I think maybe he gave God a get out of jail free pass for me that day ;)
No strings attached! My Chariot and me ready for the car!
Crying because I'm so happy not to be attached anymore!
My husband's bed and our way to the outside world.
No strings attached! My Chariot and me ready for the car!Finally! No more iv! Mother-in-law, me, & grandma-in-law.
Crying because I'm so happy not to be attached anymore!Bye bye bed! I wont miss you!
My husband's bed and our way to the outside world.
The room more-or-less.
We Know him as Doc
My husband is literally the best person I have ever met. You have no idea how lucky I am to have him in my life. He has learned how to change all of my dressings, and better than the nurses at the hospital. He's gentle, and considerate, he makes sure he's always wearing gloves and his hands are cleaned! He has been there for me more than I can even say to you. He slept at the hospital almost every night I was in there and it wasn't the most easiest thing to do. While they wake me up every hour, they also woke him up every hour! Kenneth, has never remembered so much in the entire time I have known him. Every little detail he has in his head. He has been feeding me and pushing me to increase my amount and hit new goals. He adjust my pillows each and every time I am uncomfortable. I don't have a clue what I would do without him, but I plan on using the rest of my life making it up to him for all the trouble I've been lately :) If you see him you can call him Doc; he really should have been a doctor!
Surprise!
So what some of you may or may not know is I had emergency surgery. That equals 3 surgeries in 21 days.
On April 7th I had my scheduled surgery where they took the tissue from my right wrist, with a major artery, and placed it into my mouth. This surgery took 16 hours. Talk about attention to details! My family was waiting all that time...what a horrible thing to have to do.
On April 11th around 5:30pm, I called one of my favorite nurses into my room because I thought my tongue felt funny. We had just washed my hair and I was beginning to feel normal again. Right away she had noticed that the tissue was turning blue. Something was wrong. My plastic surgeon who initially did the surgery was on her way to my room. She wasn't at the hospital, actually was no where near it, but showed up just to check out my tongue. Her residence plastic surgeons came in and took pictures of what my mouth looked like and sent them to her via I-phones, so she would know what was going on. By 8pm, they were sending me in the OR.
Imagine, all your family has gone home for the night, they are feeling great because you were positive and happy and going into your own private room shortly. Now imagine your husband being the only person to bid you farewell as the big guy pushes your bed down the halls to the OR...it was hard. If it was the last day for me, I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. It all happened so fast. Kenneth called my parents who were in the car on their way back to the hospital to wish me well which I'm sure was not easy for them...but I got to hear my mom's voice before I was taken in for surgery #3.
What happened was, the tissue stopped getting blood. There was a kink or something and so they had to go back in and cut off some of the extra tissue, allowing for blood to flow freely to it again. There was a 2% chance of this happening and of those 50% would need a new tissue transplant. Luckily, so far, I'm not in that 50%.
What an ordeal. I was just a few hours away from leaving the ICU and getting my private room to recover. Only a few more days and I would be home. But everything happens for a reason and they fixed my tongue (floor of the mouth actually under the tongue) better than they did at the scheduled surgery.
What's funny is that day the nurse asked me if I wanted to try to eat more food and I told her I better not. I had no idea I would be in surgery hours later. Listen to your intuition....I have to now!
On April 7th I had my scheduled surgery where they took the tissue from my right wrist, with a major artery, and placed it into my mouth. This surgery took 16 hours. Talk about attention to details! My family was waiting all that time...what a horrible thing to have to do.
On April 11th around 5:30pm, I called one of my favorite nurses into my room because I thought my tongue felt funny. We had just washed my hair and I was beginning to feel normal again. Right away she had noticed that the tissue was turning blue. Something was wrong. My plastic surgeon who initially did the surgery was on her way to my room. She wasn't at the hospital, actually was no where near it, but showed up just to check out my tongue. Her residence plastic surgeons came in and took pictures of what my mouth looked like and sent them to her via I-phones, so she would know what was going on. By 8pm, they were sending me in the OR.
Imagine, all your family has gone home for the night, they are feeling great because you were positive and happy and going into your own private room shortly. Now imagine your husband being the only person to bid you farewell as the big guy pushes your bed down the halls to the OR...it was hard. If it was the last day for me, I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. It all happened so fast. Kenneth called my parents who were in the car on their way back to the hospital to wish me well which I'm sure was not easy for them...but I got to hear my mom's voice before I was taken in for surgery #3.
What happened was, the tissue stopped getting blood. There was a kink or something and so they had to go back in and cut off some of the extra tissue, allowing for blood to flow freely to it again. There was a 2% chance of this happening and of those 50% would need a new tissue transplant. Luckily, so far, I'm not in that 50%.
What an ordeal. I was just a few hours away from leaving the ICU and getting my private room to recover. Only a few more days and I would be home. But everything happens for a reason and they fixed my tongue (floor of the mouth actually under the tongue) better than they did at the scheduled surgery.
What's funny is that day the nurse asked me if I wanted to try to eat more food and I told her I better not. I had no idea I would be in surgery hours later. Listen to your intuition....I have to now!
Welcome Home
Hi!
I am officially writing this blog from home! You have no idea what it was like for me (don't worry, eventually I will catch you all up) to come home. It is horrible being in the hospital..... for me anyways! Yes, they are checking up on you constantly and you have 24 hour care whatever you need, and doctors are every where if anything goes wrong! But do you know what that translates too?
It means noisy ICU people, nurses, machines galore, lights that never turn off, a nurse waking you up every hour to check your vitals, a nurse that checks for a pulse in your newly constructed tongue with a little ultra sound machine, a nurse every morning drawing blood from the same hand that no longer has any veins left to poke at! It means, no sleep basically. Eventually I convinced myself I was suffocating every time I fell asleep so the most sleep I got was 1-2 hours a night. SO not a good thing. It makes for a really stressed out emotional Ivana.
So the positive; I'm HOME! I'm sleeping in my own bed, I'm actually SLEEPING, there's no noise, I can pretty much sleep on my right side again (just have to be careful with how I move my neck), and it's for longer than an hour or two. It's practically all night. I'm not on any pain medicine which is stellar...I grew quite fond of Percocet while in the hospital. It made it possible to sleep those 1-2 hours that I actually got.
I do a flight of stairs about twice a day, sleep, eat (through my feeding tube - nothing orally), catch up on recorded tv shows, and wait for the next step. Since I have 1 good hand that is free now (no more iv or wire hookups to monitors) to type, and pretty good I might add, I will start catching you all up on what has transpired the last 2 weeks. Stay tuned.
I am officially writing this blog from home! You have no idea what it was like for me (don't worry, eventually I will catch you all up) to come home. It is horrible being in the hospital..... for me anyways! Yes, they are checking up on you constantly and you have 24 hour care whatever you need, and doctors are every where if anything goes wrong! But do you know what that translates too?
It means noisy ICU people, nurses, machines galore, lights that never turn off, a nurse waking you up every hour to check your vitals, a nurse that checks for a pulse in your newly constructed tongue with a little ultra sound machine, a nurse every morning drawing blood from the same hand that no longer has any veins left to poke at! It means, no sleep basically. Eventually I convinced myself I was suffocating every time I fell asleep so the most sleep I got was 1-2 hours a night. SO not a good thing. It makes for a really stressed out emotional Ivana.
So the positive; I'm HOME! I'm sleeping in my own bed, I'm actually SLEEPING, there's no noise, I can pretty much sleep on my right side again (just have to be careful with how I move my neck), and it's for longer than an hour or two. It's practically all night. I'm not on any pain medicine which is stellar...I grew quite fond of Percocet while in the hospital. It made it possible to sleep those 1-2 hours that I actually got.
I do a flight of stairs about twice a day, sleep, eat (through my feeding tube - nothing orally), catch up on recorded tv shows, and wait for the next step. Since I have 1 good hand that is free now (no more iv or wire hookups to monitors) to type, and pretty good I might add, I will start catching you all up on what has transpired the last 2 weeks. Stay tuned.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
all u need to be is present
Message from Kenneth to Christina:
Man I can't wait for her to be home
She says she was dreaming of being in her own bed
She said shell never get mad at me for sleeping in again haha
I truely believe God brought us together
it's funny how life is
Even with such hard times, somehow good still prevails
like we have something new now, something even stronger we didn't know could be...when i see her
it feels like a gift, i can't explain it
sort of like when you were younger and got what you've always wanted for an xmas present
or when you wake up from a dream where you did something or got something new then you wake up excited and look all around for it
but then realize it was just a dream
but the magic and grace is for me its not a dream, i have her right in front of me
she fills all my hearts desires, there isn't anything else i need when she is with me...she is my gift and i am her gift from me
didn't mean to flood you here but i'm so greatful i want to share how good it is with another person who also understands how great ivana is
i think it is a gift in itself to truely know her and realize what a great person she is
and i know you have that gift
God made Ivana so people on earth could get a feel for what heaven is like
I haven’t been able to do this for a while, by that I mean type... It’s going to be short and sweet! Today I had a moment of weakness, as in it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. But here I am! You should see me here -- ken will take a picture!
Look at what I figured out how to do? Type with a keyboard onscreen!
I asked Kenneth to read to me. He opened up a book and randomly chose a story. This is the one he chose. Unwrapping the Present from Chicken Soup for the Soul by Tsgoyna Tanzman. Please read it. We had our first kiss today! Imagine the possibility of tomorrow?
Look at what I figured out how to do? Type with a keyboard onscreen!
I asked Kenneth to read to me. He opened up a book and randomly chose a story. This is the one he chose. Unwrapping the Present from Chicken Soup for the Soul by Tsgoyna Tanzman. Please read it. We had our first kiss today! Imagine the possibility of tomorrow?
Love you
Maybe see you tomorrow?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
This, That and the Other...Carrot
Okay...good news! I ate a piece of carrot today! It was super soggy in some chicken broth. The slice was only the size of a pea BUT it was the first piece of chewed food since March 21st! Yeah! I am improving day by day.
By the way, anyone who wants to see my tongue and how it is healing email me and after surgery etc. I will send you pictures! It's not really that gross, it's grown on me. *wink wink* I actually told the plastic surgeon today that I don't want them to touch it or reconstruct it because I think it is healing quite well. It may not be as perfect looking as the tongue I was born with but it's perfect for me! The new me!
The appointments that happened today went well. We finished well before the last appointment start time which allowed us to get home and beat the traffic. I felt a little more reassured after talking to the assistant of the surgeon. Just for the record. He looks like he could be an older version or the father of Edward! Yes, that Edward from Twilight (Robert Pattinson)!
Yes, I am nervous about tomorrow. WHO wouldn't be honestly? It's a crazy procedure tomorrow and of course, like any surgery, there are always possibilities of complications. I would absolutely feel so blessed if you would keep me in your prayers tomorrow that the surgery goes well and that the surgeons are awake (hee hee) and ready for me tomorrow! I have to trust in God and his plan for me and that's all I can do.
And a side note. The assistant said to me today, I am lucky that I am young, in good health, and I don't have a 100 ailments like some do on top of the surgery. I'm lucky that I have a family that will be taking care of me when I go home. All of these things help me recover faster and not only that, it made me open my eyes and realize what is going on with me, really ain't that bad. Yes, I'm still sad, but I am trying to remind myself of these words every moment I feel a little bit of self pity.
Thank you so much for all of your support and love now and really, throughout my entire life! I have no intentions of giving up and based on my last surgery and how quickly I am recovering I am feeling confident on what I can do and what my surgeon and his team can do. I did this once already, I can do it again. And I look forward to punching that new notch in my belt.
Lastly, just in case people are wondering why I write so much or why I am so open about my life right now, here are my reasons why:
1) This blog has been one of the best things for me. It has allowed me to connect with so many people in so many places
2) It has allowed me to keep you informed. I love this because I know you care about me and I know those that care about me are curiously waiting and reading this.
3) It has allowed me to get out all of my feelings good and bad and reflect on what I am going through.
4) This is the worst and BEST time of my life. Worst because, um hello, don't need to spell it out. But the best because it has allowed me to open myself up, realize my value, and to see the strength that is within me. I can't believe what I have gone through in 7 weeks. I really am super. I can actually say that! I feel like that moment when Kate Winslet in my favorite movie "The Holiday" finally let's go of her ex Jasper who is dragging her down. I know the situation isn't the same but the feeling when she stands up from the couch and she smiles and has her hands up in the air....THAT is how I feel right at THIS moment!
5) I always wanted to write...even if this is blog is the most public I get, I am happy I took a chance with this and all of the positive feedback I have been given by doing it!
By the way, it totally sucks having the BEST COOK IN THE WORLD for a mother and not being able to eat any of her good food that is making my house smell magical!
Oh, and another thing. I haven't added this person to a blog yet and I want to now. I want to share that my aunt Josie out here in Anaheim has really helped me keep a positive outlook. Since the moment she found out about the cancer, she has made herself available to me for anything and everything. Not even really asked to be a part, just made herself a part! That's how the Italians roll! It's a true story! I know you are nodding your head. She even bought me my first pair of boxing gloves! AND wore them to surgery! Yeah, she's silly! But she has made me feel better and has been a big part of my success like my husband, parents, siblings, in-laws, family and friends who has taken two seconds out of their busy day to send me a kind word!
OKAY, final note! A funny one I might add! I went to buy myself some pajamas for surgery and the remainder of this week. They warned me to wear stuff I can zip up or button up all the way that wont rub against my incisions. Okay, what choices does that leave me with?
By the way, anyone who wants to see my tongue and how it is healing email me and after surgery etc. I will send you pictures! It's not really that gross, it's grown on me. *wink wink* I actually told the plastic surgeon today that I don't want them to touch it or reconstruct it because I think it is healing quite well. It may not be as perfect looking as the tongue I was born with but it's perfect for me! The new me!
The appointments that happened today went well. We finished well before the last appointment start time which allowed us to get home and beat the traffic. I felt a little more reassured after talking to the assistant of the surgeon. Just for the record. He looks like he could be an older version or the father of Edward! Yes, that Edward from Twilight (Robert Pattinson)!
Yes, I am nervous about tomorrow. WHO wouldn't be honestly? It's a crazy procedure tomorrow and of course, like any surgery, there are always possibilities of complications. I would absolutely feel so blessed if you would keep me in your prayers tomorrow that the surgery goes well and that the surgeons are awake (hee hee) and ready for me tomorrow! I have to trust in God and his plan for me and that's all I can do.
And a side note. The assistant said to me today, I am lucky that I am young, in good health, and I don't have a 100 ailments like some do on top of the surgery. I'm lucky that I have a family that will be taking care of me when I go home. All of these things help me recover faster and not only that, it made me open my eyes and realize what is going on with me, really ain't that bad. Yes, I'm still sad, but I am trying to remind myself of these words every moment I feel a little bit of self pity.
Thank you so much for all of your support and love now and really, throughout my entire life! I have no intentions of giving up and based on my last surgery and how quickly I am recovering I am feeling confident on what I can do and what my surgeon and his team can do. I did this once already, I can do it again. And I look forward to punching that new notch in my belt.
Lastly, just in case people are wondering why I write so much or why I am so open about my life right now, here are my reasons why:
1) This blog has been one of the best things for me. It has allowed me to connect with so many people in so many places
2) It has allowed me to keep you informed. I love this because I know you care about me and I know those that care about me are curiously waiting and reading this.
3) It has allowed me to get out all of my feelings good and bad and reflect on what I am going through.
4) This is the worst and BEST time of my life. Worst because, um hello, don't need to spell it out. But the best because it has allowed me to open myself up, realize my value, and to see the strength that is within me. I can't believe what I have gone through in 7 weeks. I really am super. I can actually say that! I feel like that moment when Kate Winslet in my favorite movie "The Holiday" finally let's go of her ex Jasper who is dragging her down. I know the situation isn't the same but the feeling when she stands up from the couch and she smiles and has her hands up in the air....THAT is how I feel right at THIS moment!
5) I always wanted to write...even if this is blog is the most public I get, I am happy I took a chance with this and all of the positive feedback I have been given by doing it!
By the way, it totally sucks having the BEST COOK IN THE WORLD for a mother and not being able to eat any of her good food that is making my house smell magical!
Oh, and another thing. I haven't added this person to a blog yet and I want to now. I want to share that my aunt Josie out here in Anaheim has really helped me keep a positive outlook. Since the moment she found out about the cancer, she has made herself available to me for anything and everything. Not even really asked to be a part, just made herself a part! That's how the Italians roll! It's a true story! I know you are nodding your head. She even bought me my first pair of boxing gloves! AND wore them to surgery! Yeah, she's silly! But she has made me feel better and has been a big part of my success like my husband, parents, siblings, in-laws, family and friends who has taken two seconds out of their busy day to send me a kind word!
OKAY, final note! A funny one I might add! I went to buy myself some pajamas for surgery and the remainder of this week. They warned me to wear stuff I can zip up or button up all the way that wont rub against my incisions. Okay, what choices does that leave me with?
MOO MOOS! HA! Yeah, laugh it up!
At least I'm a large again! AND today I fit into a pair of jeans I haven't worn in 5 years! Man, that's reason to smile!
OKAY, really the final note! I am happy that my surgery is just before Easter. I just thought of something and talked to my friend Kim about. Please note, in no way am I making a joke or direct comparison. But think about this. It's the death of the old Ivana, the one with cancer, the one with old ways, thoughts, and behaviors. Pretty soon will be the resurrection of the new Ivana, the cancer-free Ivana!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Station by Robert Hastings: http://www.thestationessay.com/
My Aunt Debby sent me this today in a greeting card. I cried. Then I read the line, "This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24 "Where have I heard this before?! BAM! I know this! I use to sing it in elementary school. I smiled remembering the words. I sang it in my head for a minute! I use to sing this as a kid. I remember feeling happy. I wiped my tears away. Time to rejoice!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TUCKED AWAY in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision in which we see ourselves
on a long journey that spans an entire continent. We're traveling by train and, from the
windows, we drink in the passing scenes of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at
crossings, of cattle grazing in distant pastures, of smoke pouring from power plants, of row
upon row upon row of cotton and corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and
village halls.
But uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination--for at a certain hour and on a
given day, our train will finally pull into the station with bells ringing, flags waving, and bands
playing. And once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true. So restlessly, we
pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.
"Yes, when we reach the station, that will be it!" we promise ourselves. "When we're
eighteen. . . win that promotion. . . put the last kid through college. . . buy that 450SL
Mercedes-Benz. . . have a nest egg for retirement!"
From that day on we will all live happily ever after.
Sooner or later, however, we must realize there is no station in this life, no one earthly
place to arrive at once and for all. The journey is the joy. The station is an illusion--it
constantly outdistances us. Yesterday's a memory, tomorrow's a dream. Yesterday belongs to a
history, tomorrow belongs to God. Yesterday's a fading sunset, tomorrow's a faint sunrise. Only
today is there light enough to love and live.
So, gently close the door on yesterday and throw the key away. It isn't the burdens of today
that drive men mad, but rather regret over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and
fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.
"Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24, "This is
the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."
So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, swim more rivers, climb more
mountains, kiss more babies, count more stars. Laugh more and cry less. Go barefoot oftener.
Eat more ice cream. Ride more merry-go-rounds. Watch more sunsets. Life must be lived as we
go along. The station will come soon enough.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TUCKED AWAY in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision in which we see ourselves
on a long journey that spans an entire continent. We're traveling by train and, from the
windows, we drink in the passing scenes of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at
crossings, of cattle grazing in distant pastures, of smoke pouring from power plants, of row
upon row upon row of cotton and corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and
village halls.
But uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination--for at a certain hour and on a
given day, our train will finally pull into the station with bells ringing, flags waving, and bands
playing. And once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true. So restlessly, we
pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.
"Yes, when we reach the station, that will be it!" we promise ourselves. "When we're
eighteen. . . win that promotion. . . put the last kid through college. . . buy that 450SL
Mercedes-Benz. . . have a nest egg for retirement!"
From that day on we will all live happily ever after.
Sooner or later, however, we must realize there is no station in this life, no one earthly
place to arrive at once and for all. The journey is the joy. The station is an illusion--it
constantly outdistances us. Yesterday's a memory, tomorrow's a dream. Yesterday belongs to a
history, tomorrow belongs to God. Yesterday's a fading sunset, tomorrow's a faint sunrise. Only
today is there light enough to love and live.
So, gently close the door on yesterday and throw the key away. It isn't the burdens of today
that drive men mad, but rather regret over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and
fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.
"Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24, "This is
the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."
So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, swim more rivers, climb more
mountains, kiss more babies, count more stars. Laugh more and cry less. Go barefoot oftener.
Eat more ice cream. Ride more merry-go-rounds. Watch more sunsets. Life must be lived as we
go along. The station will come soon enough.
A Picture says a 1,000 Words
One of my very best friends in this whole-wide-world is Rob. I've known him for quite some time now...like the beginning of high school! He drew this for me and I absolutely LOVE it and wanted to share it with you! It is to go along with my second last entry...about me putting my suit back on to fight surgery #2! I cannot stop smiling. And for the record, this looks just like my husband! The way he stands, his demeanor...thanks Buddy! I love you!
Ever try putting duck tape on a Pomeranian's mouth?
I wont be able to talk for a few days. Oxygen powers your voice box. If oxygen is going through a different tube that's lower and not going up and into your vocal cords, you wont be able to speak. Therefore, no talking! First problem for Ivana.
Second, the really unfortunate part. No blogging, no texting, no emails, notta! If my right arm gets operated on, my arm will be stiff and it will probably hurt to type. This will really limit what I do. I have advised my hubby that he NEEDS to write on here and let everyone know I am okay. Please don't bombard him with telephone calls or emails. He will update as soon as he can! He's been so wonderful, and all this is weighing on him as well. I wouldn't be surprised if he sleeps for two days with me!
Oh ya! So, because of all the medicine and the surgery I will probably be out of it for more than 24 hours. I mean I will probably wake up here and there and go back to sleep. I think this is wise since waking up will mean having to deal with all the new presents I've been given from the medical professionals. They are putting me in the intensive care for about 3 days and then probably up to where I was last time for the remained of my stay. In the beginning, since the surgeon said I will be out of it, my family has been advised to go home! "If you don't take care of yourselves, you can't take care of Ivana" he said.
Sleeping is good. It's one of the things I gave up a lot of the time. I use to get like a maximum of 6. Now it's more like 10 and I'm not complaining. I just need to go to bed earlier so I wake up earlier. Starting your day between 10 and noon is such a waste of a day. You miss all the morning light, and you get so much more accomplished when places are closed and you have to stay home and get things done. Sorry, I went off on a tangent!
I know I have a left hand! I will try to use it as much and as often as I can to get the information to you. I just feel the need to forewarn you, I will be outta commission. Please stay tuned...
Second, the really unfortunate part. No blogging, no texting, no emails, notta! If my right arm gets operated on, my arm will be stiff and it will probably hurt to type. This will really limit what I do. I have advised my hubby that he NEEDS to write on here and let everyone know I am okay. Please don't bombard him with telephone calls or emails. He will update as soon as he can! He's been so wonderful, and all this is weighing on him as well. I wouldn't be surprised if he sleeps for two days with me!
Oh ya! So, because of all the medicine and the surgery I will probably be out of it for more than 24 hours. I mean I will probably wake up here and there and go back to sleep. I think this is wise since waking up will mean having to deal with all the new presents I've been given from the medical professionals. They are putting me in the intensive care for about 3 days and then probably up to where I was last time for the remained of my stay. In the beginning, since the surgeon said I will be out of it, my family has been advised to go home! "If you don't take care of yourselves, you can't take care of Ivana" he said.
Sleeping is good. It's one of the things I gave up a lot of the time. I use to get like a maximum of 6. Now it's more like 10 and I'm not complaining. I just need to go to bed earlier so I wake up earlier. Starting your day between 10 and noon is such a waste of a day. You miss all the morning light, and you get so much more accomplished when places are closed and you have to stay home and get things done. Sorry, I went off on a tangent!
I know I have a left hand! I will try to use it as much and as often as I can to get the information to you. I just feel the need to forewarn you, I will be outta commission. Please stay tuned...
A Few More Details...
Hey everyone! I went to my post op appointment with my surgeon today and we discussed both my last surgery and my future surgery.
According to the last surgery, there was no surprises. This is good! But that doesn't really say much, I know. It was confirmed again what my cancer is, which is Squamous. That's about all he had to say on that subject. He seems happy to see me, made a comment I was talking well, and had nothing to say about my tongue. Things look good to me and they must for him as well otherwise he would have said so.
I told him my mouth was a little irritated when I ate some cream of mushroom soup. He kind of laughed. He said I just had major surgery and it would take some time to heal...ambitious much? I guess I didn't realize just how badly I want to recovery and just how quickly I am doing it. Not as quick as I would like but I'm in a good place. Not that you need all the nitty-gritty details but my tongue use to be almost completely white. It was 'hairy' and there was some coating from surgery; as well as, probably some bacteria. Well little by little each day, it has been turning pink. Today it was completely pink! Yahoo! AND I almost whistled! :)) Yes, I could whistle before!
Okay now for the harder part...at least it is for me. This next surgery is going to be a little more intensive than the last one. For starters, it will take 6-8 hours and that's without complications etc. And by complications I mean, "hey this way looks prettier!" Ha-Ha At least in my head that's what I think. Secondly, there are a few sites that will be operated on. 1) Neck 2) Back of tongue 3) Right Wrist 4)Thigh...possibly.
They will be most likely taking a piece of skin and an artery from my right forearm and placing it in the mouth to close up the hole in which they started to make and will continue to make to remove the little bit of cancer that is left. It is still part of the tongue. It's hard to envision because there's so much more that goes on in there that we don't see. (The thigh surgery is to possibly take a really thin layer of skin to cover up the area they will remove from my right forearm. They may just take the piece of the thigh to cover the hole. But your forearm skin is more flexible.) But just in case you don't know what I am taking about try this experiment out.
When you gargle with water, does it go down your neck/throat? No. Because your tongue stops it from going down into your throat. Now let's say a hole is made under the tongue that leads to your neck. Will the water you gargle go down now? Yes! They need to close that up so that food and liquids don't go down the way it was NOT intended and so that it does not cause infection. No big deal! I've seen the hole, it's about the size of a straw. But you cant see down it. You just see the start of it.
They will also be doing the neck dissection which I previously mentioned. The surgeon always thought this would be done even though we hoped not. Just because it means another surgery hence Thursday's surgery! They will go in and remove the lymph nodes that are in the upper neck region and have them tested. Then we will know for certain whether microscopic cancer cells are in there or bigger or not and figure out if they have spread! I have to be optimistic here. When I did the CT Scan my neck nodes were smaller than 1 cm which is what they wanted to see. If bigger, there would be cause for concern. Based on this, I have to hope for the best. Please pray this is also the case. Thanks!
I apologize that in order to follow my story you also have to play the waiting game with me. I don't really learn much more information at the present appointment than I did at the previous appointment. I just have to...and the doctors just have to...and you just have to, take one step at a time. Sorry! If they could tell me more they would. I would LOVE to know WTF is going on in there but I don't.
I meet with a plastic surgeon on Wednesday morning. I will know more than about exactly what she thinks will be involved with the whole "Free Tissue Transplant" that involves the forearm and/or thigh. Until then the details of that surgery is still speculations.
The difference with this surgery compared to last is I will have a feeding tube. Why? Because sometimes you have major surgery on your neck and you can't use it the way you use to. This will ensure that I get all the food, liquids, and nutrients I need. They provide me with all of the cans, I just have to put the liquids in the tube and voila, in the stomach it goes! It will probably only last for 2 weeks, unless I heal faster. Super-Ivana needs to put her suit back on for this surgery so we can see results like the last one!
Also, everything is going to be raw and swollen...to the point where I may have trouble breathing. They have discussed putting in a tracheotomy tube in my neck so that I will ensure breathing as normal. Yes, this is kinda scary. Is it really necessary? It depends on how important you think breathing is! It's a precaution in case my airways get blocked. It should only be in for a few days while I am at the hospital. Afterwards they will take it out and within 3 days to 3 weeks max. the little incision made will heal. Also no big deal!
I know I sound brave, and I know I sound like this is a piece of cake. My honest reaction was a lot of crying after the surgeon left the room. Right now, I am okay. I know I have to do this. I know it is to save my life and to help me recover faster. It's nothing I plan on having for a lifetime. This stuff happens every day. The amount of people waiting for surgery was crazy. In fact there was so many they couldn't find a room for me for how many were going on. They range from minor to major for all sorts of reasons.
I just have to accept that. End of story. I will look back on this one day and say, "Damn! I went through all that! ME! And I'm still here! And I'm all better!" Let's go with that!
According to the last surgery, there was no surprises. This is good! But that doesn't really say much, I know. It was confirmed again what my cancer is, which is Squamous. That's about all he had to say on that subject. He seems happy to see me, made a comment I was talking well, and had nothing to say about my tongue. Things look good to me and they must for him as well otherwise he would have said so.
I told him my mouth was a little irritated when I ate some cream of mushroom soup. He kind of laughed. He said I just had major surgery and it would take some time to heal...ambitious much? I guess I didn't realize just how badly I want to recovery and just how quickly I am doing it. Not as quick as I would like but I'm in a good place. Not that you need all the nitty-gritty details but my tongue use to be almost completely white. It was 'hairy' and there was some coating from surgery; as well as, probably some bacteria. Well little by little each day, it has been turning pink. Today it was completely pink! Yahoo! AND I almost whistled! :)) Yes, I could whistle before!
Okay now for the harder part...at least it is for me. This next surgery is going to be a little more intensive than the last one. For starters, it will take 6-8 hours and that's without complications etc. And by complications I mean, "hey this way looks prettier!" Ha-Ha At least in my head that's what I think. Secondly, there are a few sites that will be operated on. 1) Neck 2) Back of tongue 3) Right Wrist 4)Thigh...possibly.
They will be most likely taking a piece of skin and an artery from my right forearm and placing it in the mouth to close up the hole in which they started to make and will continue to make to remove the little bit of cancer that is left. It is still part of the tongue. It's hard to envision because there's so much more that goes on in there that we don't see. (The thigh surgery is to possibly take a really thin layer of skin to cover up the area they will remove from my right forearm. They may just take the piece of the thigh to cover the hole. But your forearm skin is more flexible.) But just in case you don't know what I am taking about try this experiment out.
When you gargle with water, does it go down your neck/throat? No. Because your tongue stops it from going down into your throat. Now let's say a hole is made under the tongue that leads to your neck. Will the water you gargle go down now? Yes! They need to close that up so that food and liquids don't go down the way it was NOT intended and so that it does not cause infection. No big deal! I've seen the hole, it's about the size of a straw. But you cant see down it. You just see the start of it.
They will also be doing the neck dissection which I previously mentioned. The surgeon always thought this would be done even though we hoped not. Just because it means another surgery hence Thursday's surgery! They will go in and remove the lymph nodes that are in the upper neck region and have them tested. Then we will know for certain whether microscopic cancer cells are in there or bigger or not and figure out if they have spread! I have to be optimistic here. When I did the CT Scan my neck nodes were smaller than 1 cm which is what they wanted to see. If bigger, there would be cause for concern. Based on this, I have to hope for the best. Please pray this is also the case. Thanks!
I apologize that in order to follow my story you also have to play the waiting game with me. I don't really learn much more information at the present appointment than I did at the previous appointment. I just have to...and the doctors just have to...and you just have to, take one step at a time. Sorry! If they could tell me more they would. I would LOVE to know WTF is going on in there but I don't.
I meet with a plastic surgeon on Wednesday morning. I will know more than about exactly what she thinks will be involved with the whole "Free Tissue Transplant" that involves the forearm and/or thigh. Until then the details of that surgery is still speculations.
The difference with this surgery compared to last is I will have a feeding tube. Why? Because sometimes you have major surgery on your neck and you can't use it the way you use to. This will ensure that I get all the food, liquids, and nutrients I need. They provide me with all of the cans, I just have to put the liquids in the tube and voila, in the stomach it goes! It will probably only last for 2 weeks, unless I heal faster. Super-Ivana needs to put her suit back on for this surgery so we can see results like the last one!
Also, everything is going to be raw and swollen...to the point where I may have trouble breathing. They have discussed putting in a tracheotomy tube in my neck so that I will ensure breathing as normal. Yes, this is kinda scary. Is it really necessary? It depends on how important you think breathing is! It's a precaution in case my airways get blocked. It should only be in for a few days while I am at the hospital. Afterwards they will take it out and within 3 days to 3 weeks max. the little incision made will heal. Also no big deal!
I know I sound brave, and I know I sound like this is a piece of cake. My honest reaction was a lot of crying after the surgeon left the room. Right now, I am okay. I know I have to do this. I know it is to save my life and to help me recover faster. It's nothing I plan on having for a lifetime. This stuff happens every day. The amount of people waiting for surgery was crazy. In fact there was so many they couldn't find a room for me for how many were going on. They range from minor to major for all sorts of reasons.
I just have to accept that. End of story. I will look back on this one day and say, "Damn! I went through all that! ME! And I'm still here! And I'm all better!" Let's go with that!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Do what you HAVE to do
I know I just posted 2 entries not even 12 hours ago, but I just read something and felt compelled to write.
My aunt in Mississauga sent me a greeting card with a few pages of quotes and inspirational saying to help lift my spirits and keep my thinking positive. The second quote on the page is as follows:
"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." Emmanuel
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a control freak. They know I have some degree of OCD and they often say I am the most organized person they know. Ask Kim for example. I use to go to her house after high school and clean her desk for fun! Or ask Bethzaida! During a family game night, she wanted to show her sister (a newbie to the Durando house) my fridge and cupboards to show how everything is aligned... clear labeled jars; everything in a neat tidy row. I know I get carried away. That's just me...or, that was just me...kinda!
One of the things I have learned from this experience is that you control pretty much nothing but your mind. I have learnt that I can't be as I was 2 months ago. You know how hard it is for me to play the waiting game? Do you know how hard it is for me to not know what is going on with my own body? I plan everything. I have plans for plans even! I always have to know. I always have to be in control over my situations. Getting cancer has been one of the biggest wake up calls. Why? Because now I have to take it day by day; moment to moment. I can't plan way down the road. I can't rush the days away. I have to deal with the here and now. I have to JUST get through this one moment. See! We both did it while I wrote this and you read this. That's all we have truthfully is the present. In this game you never know what's next. I am gradually becoming okay with this new way of life for myself.
About a year ago maybe, I started praying every night. I wanted to say thank you mostly for all that I was grateful for. Sometimes when I have fears or question myself or my life, I pray for God to help me turn off my brain so that I can fall asleep so I don't have to feel that way anymore. It always worked! I feel as though praying to God and asking for something is not fair since I do not devote myself entirely to him. Well, when I found out I had cancer, I started to pray a lot harder and a lot more of my prayers were requests to help me get through this. To take the cancer away. To spare my life because I am not ready to go yet. Then after a while, my prayers started to change back to prayers of gratitude, prayers for other friends and family members going through their own ordeals, prayers that my family and friends will be guided through my process since I know they are hurting as much as I am. My point is that eventually I placed my life back into God's hands and there I shall remain.
When people send me emails saying they are proud of me for my outlook and positive thinking or they are so inspired about how I am going through things that maybe they couldn't do, I think to myself, this is what I have to do! There is no choice. YOU MUST BE POSITIVE! You most look forward and just DO! I didn't understand that until now. My friend Greg, who I met through my husband, use to have conversations with me about his cancer. I always use to say to him, "Greg! I don't know how you do it! You are such an inspiration to me. I don't know if I could do what you do!" He said to me, "You just have to do it! And you will if you have to. You deal with the cards you have been dealt." I 100% know what he means now. Look it! If you want to survive you are going to have 1/3 of your tongue cut off. You will get poked at and have 1-2 feet tubes shoved up your nose and down into your throat while being awake. Now you can say to yourself, I don't want to do that. But that wont be the wisest choice.
If there is one thing I can keep my reins on it is my mind. I have put my fate more and more into God's hands. My faith is strengthening and I am beginning to feel a sense of calmness. "Que Sera Sera...whatever will be will be!" In the meantime, I am enjoying all of my favorite things (aside from eating) and I am spending quality time with people discussing things we've never discussed before, and I am looking at things with a new set of eyes per say. We do not control when we go or really how we go. But we can control how we think about it, how we deal with it, and how we make the most of our life.
Another quote just popped into my head. My god-father sent me another email with this:
"If you can't change something, change how you think about it!"
My aunt in Mississauga sent me a greeting card with a few pages of quotes and inspirational saying to help lift my spirits and keep my thinking positive. The second quote on the page is as follows:
"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." Emmanuel
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a control freak. They know I have some degree of OCD and they often say I am the most organized person they know. Ask Kim for example. I use to go to her house after high school and clean her desk for fun! Or ask Bethzaida! During a family game night, she wanted to show her sister (a newbie to the Durando house) my fridge and cupboards to show how everything is aligned... clear labeled jars; everything in a neat tidy row. I know I get carried away. That's just me...or, that was just me...kinda!
One of the things I have learned from this experience is that you control pretty much nothing but your mind. I have learnt that I can't be as I was 2 months ago. You know how hard it is for me to play the waiting game? Do you know how hard it is for me to not know what is going on with my own body? I plan everything. I have plans for plans even! I always have to know. I always have to be in control over my situations. Getting cancer has been one of the biggest wake up calls. Why? Because now I have to take it day by day; moment to moment. I can't plan way down the road. I can't rush the days away. I have to deal with the here and now. I have to JUST get through this one moment. See! We both did it while I wrote this and you read this. That's all we have truthfully is the present. In this game you never know what's next. I am gradually becoming okay with this new way of life for myself.
About a year ago maybe, I started praying every night. I wanted to say thank you mostly for all that I was grateful for. Sometimes when I have fears or question myself or my life, I pray for God to help me turn off my brain so that I can fall asleep so I don't have to feel that way anymore. It always worked! I feel as though praying to God and asking for something is not fair since I do not devote myself entirely to him. Well, when I found out I had cancer, I started to pray a lot harder and a lot more of my prayers were requests to help me get through this. To take the cancer away. To spare my life because I am not ready to go yet. Then after a while, my prayers started to change back to prayers of gratitude, prayers for other friends and family members going through their own ordeals, prayers that my family and friends will be guided through my process since I know they are hurting as much as I am. My point is that eventually I placed my life back into God's hands and there I shall remain.
When people send me emails saying they are proud of me for my outlook and positive thinking or they are so inspired about how I am going through things that maybe they couldn't do, I think to myself, this is what I have to do! There is no choice. YOU MUST BE POSITIVE! You most look forward and just DO! I didn't understand that until now. My friend Greg, who I met through my husband, use to have conversations with me about his cancer. I always use to say to him, "Greg! I don't know how you do it! You are such an inspiration to me. I don't know if I could do what you do!" He said to me, "You just have to do it! And you will if you have to. You deal with the cards you have been dealt." I 100% know what he means now. Look it! If you want to survive you are going to have 1/3 of your tongue cut off. You will get poked at and have 1-2 feet tubes shoved up your nose and down into your throat while being awake. Now you can say to yourself, I don't want to do that. But that wont be the wisest choice.
If there is one thing I can keep my reins on it is my mind. I have put my fate more and more into God's hands. My faith is strengthening and I am beginning to feel a sense of calmness. "Que Sera Sera...whatever will be will be!" In the meantime, I am enjoying all of my favorite things (aside from eating) and I am spending quality time with people discussing things we've never discussed before, and I am looking at things with a new set of eyes per say. We do not control when we go or really how we go. But we can control how we think about it, how we deal with it, and how we make the most of our life.
Another quote just popped into my head. My god-father sent me another email with this:
"If you can't change something, change how you think about it!"
143 means I love you
If you ever owned a pager, you know that with numbers, you can spell out words or phrases. I never owned a pager, and now that I think of it, I'm not sure how I ever found out that 143 means I love you.
I will explain for those that don't follow:
1 = I
4 = Love
3 = You
It's the number of letters in the word that make up the phrase.
Kenneth and I say "143" all the time to each other. But it is now, at 1:43 am on Sunday morning, that I am borrowing the phrase to discuss my parents. Good timing don't you think?
*Deep Sigh*
I have always known or felt that my parents were great parents. I mean of course I have had moments like every other kid where I wanted to run away, or I felt like I hated them for ruining my life. I never really meant it. I was usually just really mad and it didn't really ever last long. Again, I always knew they were great...but now, at this moment, great is not a good enough word to describe them.
I knew that they would be devastated when I told them the news. Luckily, like planned I was able to tell my mom first. I put all the pressure on her to break it to my dad, brother and sister. I didn't want my dad or sister to know until they were home from work. Ever try driving home from somewhere when you just heard the most insane news ever? Ever wonder how you drove home because you remember nothing about the drive? We didn't need anyone else to be dealing with anything else!
From the time they found out, until the time they reached my front door, they were figuring out how they'd get to me. Every phone calls was another discussion of what means of transportation would get them here. What date they would arrive. Who would be arriving first and who would be arriving second. No scratch that. When they would both be arriving. They were just as scattered-brain as I was with 3000 miles between us.
I will never forget how excited...hmm, maybe that's the wrong word. How relieved I was when I saw them on my front step. Obviously we all broke down, but now I had my mom and dad to do it with! I know I have a lot of people around me who love me and care for me, but it's just not the same as having your own mom and dad with you. I know that you know what I mean! I feel so selfish and at the same time I don't give a .... because I need them here and they need to be here.
They dropped everything to be with me. I often feel guilty about that. Everything they had to do with work just so they could be here as long as they could. Again, I am just so happy they are here. They resumed their caretaker roles as soon as they entered my home. "Do you need anything? Do you want anything? What can we make you to eat? Do you need your laundry done? Did you take your medicine? You have to eat some more!" etc etc.
I have to admit, I have felt like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders by having them here. They drive for everything (which helps since I am technically on narcotics, and my neck is sore to turn quickly for blind spots.) They have been preparing all the meals too which keeps Kenneth's belly nice and full and gives me one less thing to worry about. I don't usually put off my responsibilities but it's been hard these last 2 weeks. My focus has shifted. I sleep in. I don't feel up to much, and again fall asleep in the middle of anything. To have them here to help me out and lift my spirits...I just couldn't ask for anything more!
Okay maybe I could! Having Jay and Christina here would be perfect but they are busy getting their own lives together and I would never want them to disrupt their own lives for me. I will be better soon and we can make plans then. By the way, they were here just before my parents arrived. It's like a relay race with me as the baton. We had a great time just hanging out, playing Wii, eating, shopping, laughing. It was so great having them here and they were such a great distraction for me while I waited for my first surgery. I will never be able to thank them enough for doing what they did for me. I also will never forget how I felt when I saw not one sibling, but both siblings standing outside of LAX. I was so overwhelmed and so happy I could only cry for a few minutes. Great also doesn't do them justice!
I don't know how I am going to be able to let my parents go home. I know they need and have to. I know that there are a lot of people counting on them too. I just wish it wasn't so. I will find it in me to let them go home to Toronto so that they can return back to their responsibilities. But it's just so weird. Me sitting here right now, typing this, I have such a peaceful feeling inside knowing they are just a block away!
Mom and Dad. Thank you for always putting your children first. Thank you for risking everything to be here with me, to support me, love me, keep my spirits up, aid me with rides, and recovery, and everything. Thank you for loving my husband and treating him as if he were your own. Thank you for not getting upset with me because I said I would be ready at 10 and now it's noon! You will never know just how much I love you or just how much happiness and peace you have brought to my heart by simpling being here. I fight this battle not only for myself but also for you. I look forward to more travelling together, more celebrations that revolve around eating, and more 3 hour phone calls long distance....hey! I am sure that will be like therapy for my tongue! ha-ha
All of my love, your daughter!
I will explain for those that don't follow:
1 = I
4 = Love
3 = You
It's the number of letters in the word that make up the phrase.
Kenneth and I say "143" all the time to each other. But it is now, at 1:43 am on Sunday morning, that I am borrowing the phrase to discuss my parents. Good timing don't you think?
*Deep Sigh*
I have always known or felt that my parents were great parents. I mean of course I have had moments like every other kid where I wanted to run away, or I felt like I hated them for ruining my life. I never really meant it. I was usually just really mad and it didn't really ever last long. Again, I always knew they were great...but now, at this moment, great is not a good enough word to describe them.
I knew that they would be devastated when I told them the news. Luckily, like planned I was able to tell my mom first. I put all the pressure on her to break it to my dad, brother and sister. I didn't want my dad or sister to know until they were home from work. Ever try driving home from somewhere when you just heard the most insane news ever? Ever wonder how you drove home because you remember nothing about the drive? We didn't need anyone else to be dealing with anything else!
From the time they found out, until the time they reached my front door, they were figuring out how they'd get to me. Every phone calls was another discussion of what means of transportation would get them here. What date they would arrive. Who would be arriving first and who would be arriving second. No scratch that. When they would both be arriving. They were just as scattered-brain as I was with 3000 miles between us.
I will never forget how excited...hmm, maybe that's the wrong word. How relieved I was when I saw them on my front step. Obviously we all broke down, but now I had my mom and dad to do it with! I know I have a lot of people around me who love me and care for me, but it's just not the same as having your own mom and dad with you. I know that you know what I mean! I feel so selfish and at the same time I don't give a .... because I need them here and they need to be here.
They dropped everything to be with me. I often feel guilty about that. Everything they had to do with work just so they could be here as long as they could. Again, I am just so happy they are here. They resumed their caretaker roles as soon as they entered my home. "Do you need anything? Do you want anything? What can we make you to eat? Do you need your laundry done? Did you take your medicine? You have to eat some more!" etc etc.
I have to admit, I have felt like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders by having them here. They drive for everything (which helps since I am technically on narcotics, and my neck is sore to turn quickly for blind spots.) They have been preparing all the meals too which keeps Kenneth's belly nice and full and gives me one less thing to worry about. I don't usually put off my responsibilities but it's been hard these last 2 weeks. My focus has shifted. I sleep in. I don't feel up to much, and again fall asleep in the middle of anything. To have them here to help me out and lift my spirits...I just couldn't ask for anything more!
Okay maybe I could! Having Jay and Christina here would be perfect but they are busy getting their own lives together and I would never want them to disrupt their own lives for me. I will be better soon and we can make plans then. By the way, they were here just before my parents arrived. It's like a relay race with me as the baton. We had a great time just hanging out, playing Wii, eating, shopping, laughing. It was so great having them here and they were such a great distraction for me while I waited for my first surgery. I will never be able to thank them enough for doing what they did for me. I also will never forget how I felt when I saw not one sibling, but both siblings standing outside of LAX. I was so overwhelmed and so happy I could only cry for a few minutes. Great also doesn't do them justice!
I don't know how I am going to be able to let my parents go home. I know they need and have to. I know that there are a lot of people counting on them too. I just wish it wasn't so. I will find it in me to let them go home to Toronto so that they can return back to their responsibilities. But it's just so weird. Me sitting here right now, typing this, I have such a peaceful feeling inside knowing they are just a block away!
Mom and Dad. Thank you for always putting your children first. Thank you for risking everything to be here with me, to support me, love me, keep my spirits up, aid me with rides, and recovery, and everything. Thank you for loving my husband and treating him as if he were your own. Thank you for not getting upset with me because I said I would be ready at 10 and now it's noon! You will never know just how much I love you or just how much happiness and peace you have brought to my heart by simpling being here. I fight this battle not only for myself but also for you. I look forward to more travelling together, more celebrations that revolve around eating, and more 3 hour phone calls long distance....hey! I am sure that will be like therapy for my tongue! ha-ha
All of my love, your daughter!
Sometimes it is hard to hear the TRUTH
So I have explained my first surgery, I have explained how I found out I had cancer, I have talked a little bit about nothing and everything. But I haven't told you how it was that I ended up in the dentist office prior to the biopsy. In one word it was because of: Grandma.
Since I moved to California, I have felt a connection to Kenneth's grandma. In my heart, she is my grandma. It may not always be 'peaches and cream', but no relationship is perfect. Sometimes I feel like we are too much alike that our strong voices conflict.
When I first moved to California, she lent me her car so that I could get around. In fact, that is the car I drove when I took my California driving test. Whenever I go to her house I feel at home. Often times when I am having a moment or feel home-sick and she is around, she is the person who cries with me. She is a very remarkable and independent woman who I look up to...even if she may not know it.
On a Wednesday night I believe, after I got home from Toronto, the four of us: Kenneth, his mom, his grandma, and I went to Stonefire for dinner. I was having a hard time eating and I explained why. They knew that my mouth had been hurting me already for some time now. Grandma just blurted out, "you better go get that checked! It could be cancer!" She knew that if something didn't heal after a month or so, something was wrong and I should go back to the doctors. I didn't know that at the time.
When she said those words to me, I was heart broken. I was upset with her for saying it the way she did. I was upset that she didn't filter her thoughts. I cried a little afterwards on the drive home because I was worried. The seed had been planted in my mind, something I never would of thought it to be true; not for me. But what if? I mean I played that game all the time. But what if this time she was right?! On Friday that week, 2 days later, I was in the dentist office. In fact, when I called the dentist they were busy but I begged them to take me or keep me on a cancellation list because I had to get in there. A few minutes later, I was being called back with an appointment for noon.
It was because of Grandma that I went to get checked. It was because of the fear that was instilled in me that pushed me to beg for an appointment (which I never do) and to accept the appointment regardless of the time or date or what I had planned.
Obviously my feelings of being heat broken, upset, and sad were replaced with feelings of worry, doubt, and fear. But eventually those feelings turned into trust, love, and gratitude. I realized that she didn't say those words to hurt me. She said those words because she loves me and wanted me to seek help. Sometimes I am too stubborn to know the difference and too prideful to admit I'm scared.
Now my heart is filled with gratefulness. I will never forget how she helped me get help. I will never forget that she may have been the one to save my life. There are a few people that I also contribute to this factor: the dentist, oral surgeon, myself for not giving up, etc.
On a side note, I also want to say, that my dad also was pretty upset with me that I had waited so long to get help. When I finally told him the whole story, he also advised me to get help but I didn't listen. I thought I could fix this problem on my own...you know, the little tongue bite?! What was it again? Gargle with salt water. Eat soft food until it heals.
I hate going to the doctors. I hate that sometimes they don't give you the best advice, or make you feel like it's all in your head. Word from the wise: CHANGE YOUR DOCTOR! If you feel in your heart that something is wrong, don't stop until you find out what it is. Yes, there is a chance you are a hypochondriac, but more than likely, you know your body more than anyone else, and if you feel like something is wrong, it probably is. Don't take no for an answer!
Sometimes it is hard to hear the truth. But sometimes not hearing anything at all is worse.
Friday, April 1, 2011
A Million Thank Yous Later & You Still Wont Be Paid Up
I want to say thank you for:
* All the prayers that were prayed for me, my husband and my family. These alone move mountains and I would sincerely appreciate it if you could keep them coming =)
* All the concerned phone calls, nice messages on my answering machine, and the desire to be updated on my condition. At the time when I can speak the least, I have had the most messages to return. Thankfully my mom has helped me return phone calls. I apologize if you haven't directly spoken to me, I get really sore after about one 30 minute phone call.
* All the text messages while I was in the hospital and while at home. Where I may or may not have responded (due to drugs and sleep) or may have responded twice (due to drugs and sleep). While in the hospital, so much is going on, vitals are taken every hour I think and in the mean time I sleep pretty much. So if you don't hear from me right away, I'm sorry but I do know you are there!
* All the emails that were written to me asking questions, showing your love and support, including well thought of quotes, and your words in which kept my spirits up, or a simple hello, hope you are well! These mean the world to me. I love when people actually take the time to sincerely ask how you are or take the time to think of the perfect thing to say.
* All the greeting cards that came in the mail. Some included some child art work. My breakfast bar is filled and it makes me feel real loved! They are all bright and cheerful and remind me of what I am fighting for...a life with the people who truly love me!
* All the gifts big or small where you took the time to give me something with meaning, whether it helped you over come a tragic point in your life or whether it is currently helping you through a tragic point in your life, or to achieve a smile on my face, or just because. I have had an overwhelming amount of little surprises since March 1st. Every single one of them as touched me.
* All the bouquets of flowers that bring life into my home. I love natural things. They even help you bring oxygen into your home.
* For all of my fabulous visitors. Some people came to surgery, recovery, my own private room, my home once I could talk more, and all or majority of my doctor appointments. Some have been there for everything! I'm just really blessed.
I am sure I am missing something and when I think of it, I will add it to my list of thank yous. Just know you have touched my life and I'm so grateful for you in my life.
* All the prayers that were prayed for me, my husband and my family. These alone move mountains and I would sincerely appreciate it if you could keep them coming =)
* All the concerned phone calls, nice messages on my answering machine, and the desire to be updated on my condition. At the time when I can speak the least, I have had the most messages to return. Thankfully my mom has helped me return phone calls. I apologize if you haven't directly spoken to me, I get really sore after about one 30 minute phone call.
* All the text messages while I was in the hospital and while at home. Where I may or may not have responded (due to drugs and sleep) or may have responded twice (due to drugs and sleep). While in the hospital, so much is going on, vitals are taken every hour I think and in the mean time I sleep pretty much. So if you don't hear from me right away, I'm sorry but I do know you are there!
* All the emails that were written to me asking questions, showing your love and support, including well thought of quotes, and your words in which kept my spirits up, or a simple hello, hope you are well! These mean the world to me. I love when people actually take the time to sincerely ask how you are or take the time to think of the perfect thing to say.
* All the greeting cards that came in the mail. Some included some child art work. My breakfast bar is filled and it makes me feel real loved! They are all bright and cheerful and remind me of what I am fighting for...a life with the people who truly love me!
* All the gifts big or small where you took the time to give me something with meaning, whether it helped you over come a tragic point in your life or whether it is currently helping you through a tragic point in your life, or to achieve a smile on my face, or just because. I have had an overwhelming amount of little surprises since March 1st. Every single one of them as touched me.
* All the bouquets of flowers that bring life into my home. I love natural things. They even help you bring oxygen into your home.
* For all of my fabulous visitors. Some people came to surgery, recovery, my own private room, my home once I could talk more, and all or majority of my doctor appointments. Some have been there for everything! I'm just really blessed.
I am sure I am missing something and when I think of it, I will add it to my list of thank yous. Just know you have touched my life and I'm so grateful for you in my life.
Surgery Numero Dos
I don't have much for you at the moment. What I can tell you is that the surgery date for surgery #2 has been set. I will have to be at the hospital at 5:30 am on Thursday April 7th. I have a few appointments scheduled Monday and Wednesday so I will know more then as to the who, what, where, when, how, and why. Supposedly, this surgery will take more than 6 hours and I will be staying at the hospital for an estimated 5 days. The second I know more I will post it so please keep visiting. Thanks!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
You've Got a Friend in Me...some of my Support Group
Grandma, Mom, Dad, Me, Joan
Arriving at the Hospital for Surgery...in pjs! They said dress comfortable!
Melawhy, Bethzaida, Me, and Adriana
First night in my private room. Great amount of laughter!
Adriana and Me saying hello to Christina,
via the best form of communication for me!
Dad, Grandma, Joan, Me, and Kenneth
Going for a victory lap.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My Two Cents
If you ever think to yourself, "I know how he feels" remember that you never truly know what it's like to be in a situation until you are actually in the situation.
If you ever think to yourself, "I don't have this, I don't have that" remember all the gifts God did bless you with. You probably have a lot more than you think you do.
If you ever think to yourself, "Why me?" think to yourself, why anyone? God created all men equal. Not one shall be spared over another.
If you ever think to yourself, "It cannot get any worse than this" remember it always can. But eventually you hit rock bottom and there is only one way left to go, UP.
If you ever think to yourself, "I can't do this, I can't do this" remember you can do anything that you set your mind to.
If you ever think to yourself, "What a hypocrite" remember that your experiences change your outlook on life.
If you ever think to yourself, "Jeez, what's the hurry jerk" when someone tailgates, cuts you off, or is going in and out of traffic, remember you have no idea what is going on in their life or what is weighing on their mind.
If you ever think to yourself, "I can't wait until..." remember that while you are constantly looking so far ahead into the future, you are missing out on each day of the present.
If you ever think to yourself, "I know all the answers" God will throw you a curve ball and make you realize that you know nothing.
So basically I want to leave you with this. It is something that my 8th grade teacher always use to have posted in her classroom. The Golden Rule. Treat others as you would want them to treat you.
If you ever think to yourself, "I don't have this, I don't have that" remember all the gifts God did bless you with. You probably have a lot more than you think you do.
If you ever think to yourself, "Why me?" think to yourself, why anyone? God created all men equal. Not one shall be spared over another.
If you ever think to yourself, "It cannot get any worse than this" remember it always can. But eventually you hit rock bottom and there is only one way left to go, UP.
If you ever think to yourself, "I can't do this, I can't do this" remember you can do anything that you set your mind to.
If you ever think to yourself, "What a hypocrite" remember that your experiences change your outlook on life.
If you ever think to yourself, "Jeez, what's the hurry jerk" when someone tailgates, cuts you off, or is going in and out of traffic, remember you have no idea what is going on in their life or what is weighing on their mind.
If you ever think to yourself, "I can't wait until..." remember that while you are constantly looking so far ahead into the future, you are missing out on each day of the present.
If you ever think to yourself, "I know all the answers" God will throw you a curve ball and make you realize that you know nothing.
So basically I want to leave you with this. It is something that my 8th grade teacher always use to have posted in her classroom. The Golden Rule. Treat others as you would want them to treat you.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Lights, Camera, Action
Before Surgery
Signature for Left-Side Surgery
After Surgery
Kenneth and I going for a Walk
Kenneth giving me a break from my bed! hee hee
Me being silly. I was almost ready to leave. But the IV is just sooo good!
View at the end of the hall... Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood.
The view from my room. Something that would make me happy!
Don't Stop Believing
Just in case you were wondering. I picked the blog title, 'Don't Stop Believing' when my parent and I were discussing what we could possibly do for our Relay for Life Team's decorations, slogan, booth etc. I was in the process of starting my blog and it hit me that that would be the perfect name for the blog and how I was feeling. Thanks Daddy!
The band Journey has always had a special place in my heart. When the family use to drive down to Florida we would be subjected to the music that my parents, actually, what my dad wanted to listen to. After all, he was the driver! I started to hear repeats and soon enough I knew all the lyrics to the songs I loved. "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey along with "Anyway You Want It" and "Faithfully" would be among the favorites.
When I found out that a tribute band "DSB" was playing at Central Park (Valencia California) I had to go see them perform. They play for free at the park once every summer and last year was my first time seeing them. I really loved that moment. Ironically, the location they played at, Central Park, is also the location where Relay for Life is going to be in May!
Anyways, I think it is really important to never stop believing in yourself. Never lose hope or let the worst get the best of you. While it is always easier said than done, after a while of turning negativity on it's head, being positive will just be a natural way to look at things and it won't be difficult to do at all. I was freaking out during every step of this road I am on. But I tried not to let it show. Even though there has been a lot of things I have not wanted to do, I still walk towards the scary and not away from it. I am facing my fears head on and I encourage you to do the same.
Life just seems so much worthwhile when you realize your value, when you realize the value of your life, and when you realize that anything you want is worth fighting for.
The band Journey has always had a special place in my heart. When the family use to drive down to Florida we would be subjected to the music that my parents, actually, what my dad wanted to listen to. After all, he was the driver! I started to hear repeats and soon enough I knew all the lyrics to the songs I loved. "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey along with "Anyway You Want It" and "Faithfully" would be among the favorites.
When I found out that a tribute band "DSB" was playing at Central Park (Valencia California) I had to go see them perform. They play for free at the park once every summer and last year was my first time seeing them. I really loved that moment. Ironically, the location they played at, Central Park, is also the location where Relay for Life is going to be in May!
Anyways, I think it is really important to never stop believing in yourself. Never lose hope or let the worst get the best of you. While it is always easier said than done, after a while of turning negativity on it's head, being positive will just be a natural way to look at things and it won't be difficult to do at all. I was freaking out during every step of this road I am on. But I tried not to let it show. Even though there has been a lot of things I have not wanted to do, I still walk towards the scary and not away from it. I am facing my fears head on and I encourage you to do the same.
Life just seems so much worthwhile when you realize your value, when you realize the value of your life, and when you realize that anything you want is worth fighting for.
I Need a Hero[es]
Before the surgery, when I had just had the biopsy done, along with the general pain from the sore, I joked with my boss that I was going to create a list of food I want to eat when my sore heals. Well today I decided I would actually get that on paper because I was and have been very frustrated with eating lately.
Yesterday we went to a restaurant called Heroes where the portions, I kid you not, could feed 4 people with one dish. I wish I had a picture of the stack of pancakes they served my parents. It was insane! Actually, here is a picture of half of one of the slices!
So I'm there and can't eat a damn thing on the menu. Normally, it wouldn't bug me too much but it really got to me yesterday. Steak fries, pancakes, an omelet, a turkey club, a cup of coffee. It was pretty torturous.
Note to everyone, don't feel bad for me, don't stop eating in front of me or feel bad if I come out to dinner with you and sip water. I am getting use to it and I am getting stronger because of it.
So anyways, to the point! My food list that will increase with time:
1. Red Lobsters: some sort of cream sauce with pasta and lots of fish!
2. A huge cup of steak fries with nothing on them but their own grease.
3. One of my favorite meals I make at home: orange chicken, broccoli, and brown rice.
4. Steak with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob and a Caesar salad!
5. The Turkey Club from Heroes.
6. La Cocina Mexican Dish: my new favorite, a creamy shrimp burrito with sour cream and avocado, beans and rice on the side.
7. A full cup of coffee probably from Starbucks.
8. My mom's chicken cutlets with mashed potatoes and any and all vegetables with tomato sauce.
9. Spaghetti with oil or butter and asparagus.
10. ALL and ANY breakfast food, I love my breakfast food!
11. A Chic-fil-A chicken Sandwich.
12. Pasta al Forno.
13. A REALLY GOOD PIZZA!
14. Love Sushi's Sushi! So darn good!
If you could do me and yourself a few favors while you are eating your breakfast, lunch or dinner.
-Sit at an actual table for your meal
-Savor every bite, actually taste every bite!
-Don't just inhale it like I use to because there was never enough time.
-Think of how I am starving and wanting to rip it out of your hands, and laugh! It is quite funny and one day I will be so thankful to be back to eating solid foods that I may actually do what I just told you to do. :)
Here is also a picture of what a typical meal looks like for me in the hospital and pretty much at home too!
Yesterday we went to a restaurant called Heroes where the portions, I kid you not, could feed 4 people with one dish. I wish I had a picture of the stack of pancakes they served my parents. It was insane! Actually, here is a picture of half of one of the slices!
Note to everyone, don't feel bad for me, don't stop eating in front of me or feel bad if I come out to dinner with you and sip water. I am getting use to it and I am getting stronger because of it.
So anyways, to the point! My food list that will increase with time:
1. Red Lobsters: some sort of cream sauce with pasta and lots of fish!
2. A huge cup of steak fries with nothing on them but their own grease.
3. One of my favorite meals I make at home: orange chicken, broccoli, and brown rice.
4. Steak with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob and a Caesar salad!
5. The Turkey Club from Heroes.
6. La Cocina Mexican Dish: my new favorite, a creamy shrimp burrito with sour cream and avocado, beans and rice on the side.
7. A full cup of coffee probably from Starbucks.
8. My mom's chicken cutlets with mashed potatoes and any and all vegetables with tomato sauce.
9. Spaghetti with oil or butter and asparagus.
10. ALL and ANY breakfast food, I love my breakfast food!
11. A Chic-fil-A chicken Sandwich.
12. Pasta al Forno.
13. A REALLY GOOD PIZZA!
14. Love Sushi's Sushi! So darn good!
If you could do me and yourself a few favors while you are eating your breakfast, lunch or dinner.
-Sit at an actual table for your meal
-Savor every bite, actually taste every bite!
-Don't just inhale it like I use to because there was never enough time.
-Think of how I am starving and wanting to rip it out of your hands, and laugh! It is quite funny and one day I will be so thankful to be back to eating solid foods that I may actually do what I just told you to do. :)
Here is also a picture of what a typical meal looks like for me in the hospital and pretty much at home too!
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