Do what you HAVE to do

I know I just posted 2 entries not even 12 hours ago, but I just read something and felt compelled to write.

My aunt in Mississauga sent me a greeting card with a few pages of quotes and inspirational saying to help lift my spirits and keep my thinking positive. The second quote on the page is as follows:

"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." Emmanuel

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a control freak. They know I have some degree of OCD and they often say I am the most organized person they know. Ask Kim for example. I use to go to her house after high school and clean her desk for fun! Or ask Bethzaida! During a family game night, she wanted to show her sister (a newbie to the Durando house) my fridge and cupboards to show how everything is aligned... clear labeled jars; everything in a neat tidy row. I know I get carried away. That's just me...or, that was just me...kinda!

One of the things I have learned from this experience is that you control pretty much nothing but your mind. I have learnt that I can't be as I was 2 months ago. You know how hard it is for me to play the waiting game? Do you know how hard it is for me to not know what is going on with my own body? I plan everything. I have plans for plans even! I always have to know. I always have to be in control over my situations. Getting cancer has been one of the biggest wake up calls. Why? Because now I have to take it day by day; moment to moment. I can't plan way down the road. I can't rush the days away. I have to deal with the here and now. I have to JUST get through this one moment. See! We both did it while I wrote this and you read this. That's all we have truthfully is the present. In this game you never know what's next. I am gradually becoming okay with this new way of life for myself.

About a year ago maybe, I started praying every night. I wanted to say thank you mostly for all that I was grateful for. Sometimes when I have fears or question myself or my life, I pray for God to help me turn off my brain so that I can fall asleep so I don't have to feel that way anymore. It always worked! I feel as though praying to God and asking for something is not fair since I do not devote myself entirely to him. Well, when I found out I had cancer, I started to pray a lot harder and a lot more of my prayers were requests to help me get through this. To take the cancer away. To spare my life because I am not ready to go yet. Then after a while, my prayers started to change back to prayers of gratitude, prayers for other friends and family members going through their own ordeals, prayers that my family and friends will be guided through my process since I know they are hurting as much as I am. My point is that eventually I placed my life back into God's hands and there I shall remain.

When people send me emails saying they are proud of me for my outlook and positive thinking or they are so inspired about how I am going through things that maybe they couldn't do, I think to myself, this is what I have to do! There is no choice. YOU MUST BE POSITIVE! You most look forward and just DO! I didn't understand that until now. My friend Greg, who I met through my husband, use to have conversations with me about his cancer. I always use to say to him, "Greg! I don't know how you do it! You are such an inspiration to me. I don't know if I could do what you do!" He said to me, "You just have to do it! And you will if you have to. You deal with the cards you have been dealt." I 100% know what he means now. Look it! If you want to survive you are going to have 1/3 of your tongue cut off. You will get poked at and have 1-2 feet tubes shoved up your nose and down into your throat while being awake. Now you can say to yourself, I don't want to do that. But that wont be the wisest choice.

If there is one thing I can keep my reins on it is my mind. I have put my fate more and more into God's hands. My faith is strengthening and I am beginning to feel a sense of calmness. "Que Sera Sera...whatever will be will be!" In the meantime, I am enjoying all of my favorite things (aside from eating) and I am spending quality time with people discussing things we've never discussed before, and I am looking at things with a new set of eyes per say. We do not control when we go or really how we go. But we can control how we think about it, how we deal with it, and how we make the most of our life.

Another quote just popped into my head. My god-father sent me another email with this:
"If you can't change something, change how you think about it!"