Sometimes it is hard to hear the TRUTH

So I have explained my first surgery, I have explained how I found out I had cancer, I have talked a little bit about nothing and everything. But I haven't told you how it was that I ended up in the dentist office prior to the biopsy. In one word it was because of: Grandma.

Since I moved to California, I have felt a connection to Kenneth's grandma. In my heart, she is my grandma. It may not always be 'peaches and cream', but no relationship is perfect. Sometimes I feel like we are too much alike that our strong voices conflict.

When I first moved to California, she lent me her car so that I could get around. In fact, that is the car I drove when I took my California driving test. Whenever I go to her house I feel at home. Often times when I am having a moment or feel home-sick and she is around, she is the person who cries with me. She is a very remarkable and independent woman who I look up to...even if she may not know it.

On a Wednesday night I believe, after I got home from Toronto, the four of us: Kenneth, his mom, his grandma, and I went to Stonefire for dinner. I was having a hard time eating and I explained why. They knew that my mouth had been hurting me already for some time now. Grandma just blurted out, "you better go get that checked! It could be cancer!" She knew that if something didn't heal after a month or so, something was wrong and I should go back to the doctors. I didn't know that at the time.

When she said those words to me, I was heart broken. I was upset with her for saying it the way she did. I was upset that she didn't filter her thoughts. I cried a little afterwards on the drive home because I was worried. The seed had been planted in my mind, something I never would of thought it to be true; not for me. But what if? I mean I played that game all the time. But what if this time she was right?! On Friday that week, 2 days later, I was in the dentist office. In fact, when I called the dentist they were busy but I begged them to take me or keep me on a cancellation list because I had to get in there. A few minutes later, I was being called back with an appointment for noon.

It was because of Grandma that I went to get checked. It was because of the fear that was instilled in me that pushed me to beg for an appointment (which I never do) and to accept the appointment regardless of the time or date or what I had planned.

Obviously my feelings of being heat broken, upset, and sad were replaced with feelings of worry, doubt, and fear. But eventually those feelings turned into trust, love, and gratitude. I realized that she didn't say those words to hurt me. She said those words because she loves me and wanted me to seek help. Sometimes I am too stubborn to know the difference and too prideful to admit I'm scared.

Now my heart is filled with gratefulness. I will never forget how she helped me get help. I will never forget that she may have been the one to save my life. There are a few people that I also contribute to this factor: the dentist, oral surgeon, myself for not giving up, etc.

On a side note, I also want to say, that my dad also was pretty upset with me that I had waited so long to get help. When I finally told him the whole story, he also advised me to get help but I didn't listen. I thought I could fix this problem on my own...you know, the little tongue bite?! What was it again? Gargle with salt water. Eat soft food until it heals.

I hate going to the doctors. I hate that sometimes they don't give you the best advice, or make you feel like it's all in your head. Word from the wise: CHANGE YOUR DOCTOR! If you feel in your heart that something is wrong, don't stop until you find out what it is. Yes, there is a chance you are a hypochondriac, but more than likely, you know your body more than anyone else, and if you feel like something is wrong, it probably is. Don't take no for an answer!

Sometimes it is hard to hear the truth. But sometimes not hearing anything at all is worse.